I Thought That I Identified As a Lesbian - The Music Icon Helped Me Realize the Truth

During 2011, a couple of years prior to the acclaimed David Bowie show opened at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I came out as a gay woman. Up to that point, I had only been with men, with one partner I had married. After a couple of years, I found myself approaching middle age, a newly single parent to four children, making my home in the United States.

During this period, I had started questioning both my sense of self and attraction preferences, looking to find understanding.

My birthplace was England during the early 1970s - before the internet. During our youth, my friends and I lacked access to online forums or video sharing sites to consult when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; instead, we sought guidance from celebrity musicians, and throughout the eighties, musicians were experimenting with gender norms.

The iconic vocalist wore masculine attire, The flamboyant singer wore women's fashion, and pop groups such as popular ensembles featured members who were publicly out.

I desired his lean physique and precise cut, his angular jaw and flat chest. I aimed to personify the artist's German phase

Throughout the 90s, I lived operating a motorcycle and adopting masculine styles, but I went back to traditional womanhood when I chose to get married. My husband relocated us to the US in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an powerful draw revisiting the manhood I had once given up.

Considering that no artist challenged norms to the extent of David Bowie, I opted to devote an open day during a summer trip visiting Britain at the V&A, hoping that maybe he could provide clarity.

I didn't know exactly what I was looking for when I entered the show - possibly I anticipated that by submerging my consciousness in the extravagance of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, in turn, stumble across a insight into my true nature.

Before long I was facing a small television screen where the film clip for "Boys Keep Swinging" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the primary position, looking sharp in a slate-colored ensemble, while to the side three supporting vocalists in feminine attire crowded round a microphone.

Differing from the entertainers I had seen personally, these ladies didn't glide around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; conversely they looked bored and annoyed. Placed in secondary positions, they had gum in their mouths and showed impatience at the monotony of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, seemingly unaware to their reduced excitement. I felt a momentary pang of connection for the backing singers, with their pronounced make-up, awkward hairpieces and constricting garments.

They appeared to feel as ill-at-ease as I did in feminine attire - irritated and impatient, as if they were hoping for it all to end. At the moment when I recognized my alignment with three men dressed in drag, one of them ripped off her wig, smeared the lipstick from her face, and revealed herself to be ... Bowie! Shocker. (Naturally, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I knew for certain that I desired to shed all constraints and transform like Bowie. I wanted his narrow hips and his precise cut, his strong features and his masculine torso; I wanted to embody the lean-figured, artist's Berlin phase. And yet I found myself incapable, because to truly become Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Coming out as queer was one thing, but gender transition was a much more frightening prospect.

I needed additional years before I was ready. During that period, I made every effort to adopt male characteristics: I ceased using cosmetics and eliminated all my feminine garments, cut off my hair and commenced using masculine outfits.

I sat differently, changed my stride, and changed my name and pronouns, but I paused at medical intervention - the chance of refusal and second thoughts had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

When the David Bowie display concluded its international run with a engagement in New York City, following that period, I returned. I had reached a breaking point. I was unable to continue acting to be an identity that didn't fit.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I was absolutely sure that the challenge wasn't about my clothing, it was my physical form. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been presenting artificially throughout his existence. I desired to change into the individual in the stylish outfit, dancing in the spotlight, and at that moment I understood that I had the capacity to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a doctor shortly afterwards. I needed additional years before my transition was complete, but none of the fears I worried about occurred.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a queer man, but I'm OK with that. I desired the liberty to play with gender as Bowie had - and now that I'm comfortable in my body, I am able to.